I HATE it when she does that!!! One Man's Advice on Relationships

How often do you say to yourself things like "I hate it when she (he) does that!" or "You make me crazy when you..." or "Why do you always..."

My first small bit of advice might be obvious to some but I have to say it anyway. DON'T SAY THESE THINGS OUT LOUD TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE! Trust me, it doesn't work. I'm not saying don't express yourself. In fact, the more you can genuinely express yourself the better. Just be careful about choosing your words, timing, tone, and motive. We've all heard the phrase "Be a team player." I (for one) am just sick of it. Usually the ones saying it are the ones who benefit from your team play. But in this case, I think it applies most aptly. You and your loved one (spouse, friend, brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, dog, whatever) are supposed to be on the same side. Right? If not, stop reading now and go re-evaluate why you are in this relationship.

I have found in my relationship to my wife that the primary thought, that which should have the most control over what I say and do is this: I love her more than anyone else in the world. The second most important thought I try to maintain in all my communications and contacts is that this person (unless it's your dog) is just as human and fallible as I am. (and that's a lot!) Armed with these two thoughts I try to position myself on her side NO MATTER WHAT!!! This doesn't mean that she's always right, because of course that's impossible (I'm the only one that's always right.) What it does mean is that whatever the problem is, it's a problem that faces US, not her or me. The only thing we always agree on is that we are on the same team. If one of us loses, we both lose. This makes arguing very difficult. And that's the point.

When the little (and not so little) things annoy you. Stop. Or as they say in AA, HALT! This stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. What motivates most of us is whatever we're feeling at that moment. When you stop and think, stop again. Really think about what you feel and why you feel it. For men this is not as simple as it sounds. Most of us have been culturally programmed not to feel, or at least not understand what we feel. Why we feel something is even trickier. It's much easier for me to come up with a good justification for my actions rather than expose my fragile ego to responsibility (the ability to respond rather than just react). So what do I think about when I stop to examine my annoyance? First of all, I recognize that the annoyance is mine, not hers. My initial intention (I'm ashamed to say) is to take my annoyance off of me and put it on her. I admit I have an unfair advantage here because I have a gift for annoying. Unfortunately, her annoyance doesn't relieve my annoyance. If anything it only adds to it. But at least we're sharing the experience, right?

When I'm honest with myself I can admit that I am annoyed because I want something different from what's going on right now. It's not her actions or words that are causing the problem, it's my reaction to them. Let me give an example. When my wife is online shopping for something we can't afford (my opinion), I want to blame her for being irresponsible (my opinion again). I want her to admit to my superiority, humbly apologize and stop shopping (not likely to happen). Deep down, I'm jealous that she feels comfortable enough with our finances that she can buy something she wants, just because she wants to. (This brings up memories of our early romance when I said such foolish things as "All I want is for you to be happy," and "I want you to have everythingyou want.") What I want is to be able to go online and buy just what I want when I want it and not feel the weight of guilt and responsibility. The problem, you see, is how I feel about me. This is not to say that sometimes we both act irresponsibly. Of course we do. But we're a team; we work it out together, through our mutual love, respect and commitment.

I have a lot more to say about this topic because my relationship to my wife is the most important thing in my life. More later on blame, superlatives and commitment.